Hello beastie..

Hi again.

This one comes from Liverpool and is quite old but funny none the less.

Hope you enjoy.

Again it was mid week (why? Why does this stuff always happen mid week?) And nothing was much doing. I was on the door with my oppo, a sturdy biker looking pal of mine with a mighty beard and shaved head. Between us we looked like half of a 90's metal band. As ever I'm going to change the name and not mention the club.

Myself and Timber (see what I did there mate ;P) were nattering about what ever bouncers natter about when bored ridged (everything from the sciences to politics, philosophy to religion as it happens) when we noticed two lads huddling in a door way at the end of the ally.

As it was not raining we thought this to be kind of weird. The snorting and sniffing said it all. Cocaine. Silly boys. Not our business though. Thats for the police to deal with. Not that we saw many cops around that end of town.

The cop car slowly pulled into the wide ally way. It almost instantly stopped and two of Liverpool's finest jumped out. After a little bit of the normal "and what's that you have there my lad" followed by the instant reply of "what's what officer?" the two lads were put into the police car.

Now its at this point that all is normal with the world. Some durps have been caught in the act and the cops have an easy collar. We go back to nattering about whatever we were nattering about. Thats when we hear the shouting. Oooh hello, whats this then. We pop our heads out like the nosey lads we are and see the cops getting hands on with yet another braindoner. With some effort this lad is splayed across the back of the car and held there.

The male officer shouts that the other one is still in the bar (meaning the Irish bar that makes up one side of the end of the allyway) and dives back into the thronging pub, leaving his female colleague trying to restrain said scrote across the panda car. With civic duty in mind and not because we were bored as hell we both decide to have a wander down. Not wanting to get in the way of things we take up positions either side of the cop car.

Thats when we hear the doors open.

Looking down I see one of the lads in the back sitting there with cuffs on and has tried the door. The car didn't have the prisoner lock put on. I look into this cheeky cocaine fueled grin, fingers still on the door release. I shake my head.
He nods.
I shake my head and pull a stern face.
He nods really quickly, massive grin.
I turn my head to the side and scowl.
He winks.

Shit.

As if on one cue they both try to get out of the car. Hampered by the handcuffs and myself and Timber they don't get far. I get mine back in upside down. Literally head in the foot well and very pissed off. Timbers is also back in and possibly unconscious. Well now that was fun.

The female copper slides sideways. The scrote she has in an arm lock is fighting her. He has realised that what awaits him is a cold cell and terribly made tea. Time for some more fun. We both lay hands on and take the lad to the floor. What follows can only be described and a twist-athon. An honest to goodness, fingers up nose, feet the wrong way, testicle popping twist up.

Red faced and panting the cop shouts into her radio and dives into the bar. You're welcome lady. Leaving me and Timber to play with our new friend.

Thats when all of Liverpools police descend onto us. All of them..

Three police vans, four police cars, eight foot units and the dog van.

In the scuffle onto the floor she had pressed her panic button by accident.

Code 111, run.. Family is hurtin..

So there's me and Timber on the floor with an irate Dawinite, screaming at the top of his voice in squeaky scouse about cocaine, an unlocked panda car with an unconscious male on one side and on the other some feet sticking into the air with none of the cars owners in sight whilst myself and Timber just grin.

"Er.. Hi.."

Thats when the dog unit decide that what we really need now is some dog action.

I like dogs. They're great. This wasn't a goggy though. Nope. This one wanted to play. It wanted to play in the same way that Timber and I had played with the lads in the panda bar. What big teeth you have, hello beastie.. 

Thats when the two police officers burst through the doors dragging the 4th member of the cocaine adventurers. Poor lad. The look on his face was that of abject terror. Dogs, more cops than derby day and his mates were being molested by two members of a 90's metal band.

As they dragged him away to a van we could hear him screaming

"IT WAS ONLY A BIT OF BEAK..!"

Just as quick as they had arrived they left. One moment I was starring down the business end of woofy-McFacechew and the next we are standing in the allyway watching an army of cops melt back into the night.

Poor lads. Not fun to be them.

Time for a brew me thinks.

Stay safe. Speak soon.