This one happened a little while ago, it was one of the incidents that prompted people to say I should write this blog. Before I start, I'd like to say that not all cops are as inept as the ones I had to deal with that night. I have so much respect for the men and women of the British Police Force, they have helped me out on so many occasions it's unreal. I have never understood how so many bouncers decry the cops, they are the ultimate back up. Most if the time.
It was a normal (hahaha, seriously Bunny? Normal??) wednesday night, the streets were semi busy and we had a private party upstairs, downstairs in the main bar was quiet. For some reason I had another bouncer on with me, possibly for said private function. Normally I'm on my own in the week.
There were about six or seven folks in the smoking area to my left (keep back to the wall, no one can sneak up on you if they can't get behind you..) chatting about whatever it is the intoxicated masses chat about (always listen to conversations, you never know when you could hear "..and then I'll take his legs out..").. Thats when we heard the cry, the guttural scream followed by shouts of indignation and upset. I look to my left down the street and I see a man helping his wife up to her feet, she has been pushed over by a hand to the face, she was pushed over by a wild haired, crazy eyed young girl, she has a phone pushed against her ear, she is loudly rapping to the repetative music (nonsense, rambling rambling nonsense), she wears one white trainer and one blue and she has her tits out. Yup. Both.
You know how women sometimes wear tops that make the girls pop out, they have to post them back in every five seconds?.. Well the loon in question was doing the same except instead of posting them back in, she would kept getting them out when they attempted to flee and hide, possibly an attempt not to be associated with the wild haired woman.
It was obvious that she had flung the innocent female to the floor and she was coming my way. In tow she had two ill dressed figures with her, the first was a black lad, bright white tracksuit and gold flat brimmed baseball cap, smoking a very very large spliff. Slapped upon his chubby chase was the biggest grin I've seen since I saw a Tory find a fiver. He was the boyfriend.
The second stooge to grace our stage was a gangly, blond haired youth, spots covering at least 99.99% of his face, he was wearing a black t-shirt that seemed three or four sizes too big for me, let alone him. This coupled with the jeans of similar size made me think of the movie Honey I Shrunk The Kids.
"Ah fuckerty-doo, there goes brew-o'clock..."
Without ending her mad stride she passes the group of smokers to my left, her hand shoots out and clamps onto the face of a young woman, without even looking at her she pushes her over by exerting all her weight through her arm and into her victims head. Back she falls and lands on her arse. All the time she was screaching the weird, hyperventilating rubbish again and again and again. This one is getting high from crazy.
Now the thing is I attract nutters. They see me from the other side of a crowded city and trog over. Many a night I have had weird and wonderful conversations with those who have one foot in this world and one in the spirit world. Spoke to Jesus about Aston villas prospects for next season once. Nice bloke. Likes special brew.
So it was no supprise when she claps eyes on yours truely, a big grim spreads across. She about turns and comes to go through the door. My arm stops her, not a chance! Lets see if she has any kind of reason..
"What are you doing hun? Put them away will you, no one wants to see em"
"Would you cage pikachoo!"
"You ain't getting in, go away"
More blood than soil..!!"
"If you carry on you'll get nicked"
Thats when she goes for my face. Fingers stretched to claws, a snarl gritted across her mouth. Now for those of you who are about to cry in horror at my actions, let me say this. If you think a woman is any less of a threat than a man then think again. It doesn't matter what you have between your legs, it's the scalpel that cuts. Not the gender of the surgeon.
The swipe is blocked, my head moves and she is spun round, her knees are kicked out and she is taken to the floor face down with control. Arms up her back, knee in the small of her back. Down but by no means out.
Time for the nitenet again me thinks. Again using radio speak I say that I have a half naked nutter that needs help because lets face it, anyone walking round talking about blood and soil with their tits out in this weather has to be either a commited Wiccan or needs someone to talk to.
This is the part of the tale that gets weird...
In no short time a squad car pulls up. Two of Manchester's finest depart and 'proceed' over to myself. Before I could even explain what has happened the command to release her is given. "Get of her or you're nicked.."
"Eh!.. Say what now?.."
"Get off her or you'll be tugged mate!"
"Um.. Are you sure?" Not like there's a damn good reason that I'm kneeling on a half naked women in the middle of the street..
"OFF! NOW!.."
Slowly I release the woman and jump back. I can see whats going to happen a mile away, like a strange but accurate crystal ball of woe. I know exactly whats going to play out here.
Wrong.
The cops gentley help the woman up and see she is exposed, they ask her if the nasty horrid bouncer has done this to her?
"Taking it for a ride, hatred and gin"
They tell her to put her self away, she continues talking weirdo (keep feet apart, wait for the strike). One of them holds her arm to get her attention (her hand is moving to the back of her trousers! Watch the hand!). He shakes her slightly to rock her out of the rants (get ready, hands out of pockets, clear line of attack, wait for the weapon). He looks away from her to his partner, he's about to say something (WEAPON WEAPON WEAPON GO GO GO..!!!) her hand snakes out of the back of her pants. It's not a knife, it's not a bottle, it's not a weapon.
It's shit.
She smears her whole crap covered hand over his face, excrement smeared from his cheek, over his mouth, past his nose and onto his forehead.
Well the reaction was quick despite his gagging, both grab her. Arms behind her back, knees kicked out and controlled to the floor. Both arms behind her and a knee into the small of her back. She's laughing. I thought it best to keep my mouth shut as they took her to the car. Even the two she had in tow were silent, they soon turned and left without a look back. Never let your preconceived ideas about someone get the better of you. Sometimes shit happens ;)
Time for a brew me thinks.
Speak soon and stay safe.
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